Confession

My up bringing imbibed on me to not ask for anything from anyone. If you don't have it, deal with it. [ I did deal with it, and sometimes not in a very ladylike way, I must confess.]

Enjoy what you have, don't fret for things you don't have. [But fret I did, I must confess].

If you want something, don't borrow it, don't beg for it. Be patient [ha! me? patient? whats that now?], and it will come to you.

And if you want something badly, then work hard and earn it!

I try and follow it even today.

And there is another side to this.

This is something am not proud of, but its there. hence the confession.

The way I don't ask for things from people, I don't like it when people ask for things from me.

People I barely know, or have just known or the few whom I don't know very well. I feel as if I can't trust them enough to take care of stuff they are borrowing, or even return it at all.

I have worked and earned my things, let others do it too!

Well, I think I can't trust people very freely.

Unlike C. He is, as I call him ' Santa Claus on Prozac'. ( quoting Phoebe from Friends )

Ever cheerful, positive, warm and friendly - as if on a drug induced stupor which compels him to be good all the time!

He sees everything that is good, and ignores whatever is bad. He is like that .. no really, he is like that!

Well being his better(!) half, I somehow can't appreciate - or I can only begrudgingly appreciate and approve of it.

You see, he is the good cop, and am left to be the bad cop. Always.

Anyway, I digress.

It so happened that C lent someone money, and we both very well knew that it won't be coming back. But still he did it. His philosophy being, 'if we can, we should.' And also, 'if we give, we will get back in more forms than one'.

But I could not take such a holistic approach to it, and we had a fight.

Not because he lent the money ..how much ever I like to stick to my 'never ask for anything, and stay away from askers' motto, I always relent and join him on his charitable pursuits.

We fought because he didn't tell me about it. Again, the good cop that he is, he thought that a few grand spent thus should not cause any distress to me or to him, or to both, thus preserving the calm and peace of our days.

But I found out , and hell broke loose.

After numerous arguments, counter-arguments [ but, My Lord, he didn't tell me!] and a burnt dinner later, the storm died down, and things returned to normal. [Though the money didn't, and won't return. That's all My Lord.]

On introspection, I know I come out looking that bad cop again, but may be he was not wrong.

I read a sermon by Osho in a news paper few days ago. It narrated a story in one of Rabindranath Tagore's poems..

A beggar sets out for his daily alms. As is the routine, he puts a few grains of rice in his bag, just so that people will see those, and be compelled to give, thinking 'Someone has given alms to this beggar, may be I should give too' .

No sooner has he set out, a King's chariot comes galloping by. The King alights, and to the beggar's surprise, asks for alms from the beggar! The King says that a holy man has advised him to do so, and in doing so a great calamity on the kingdom can be averted.

The beggar, who till now was anticipating generous alms from the King, is bitterly disappointed. Very reluctantly, he takes just 2 grains of rice and gives it to the King. The King thanks him and gallops away.

That day, the beggar receives a lot of alms from various people. But, he is still grudging those 2 grains he had to part with for the King. At the end of the day, his wife is delighted to see her husband's daily earnings. He bitterly tells her that she does not know what they had lost.As they empty the last of the grains from his bag, they find 2 grains of rice made of gold. He is now even more bitter, thinking had he given more to the King, he would have had more golden grains of rice!

What you give, turns into gold, what you guard, turns into dust! If one gives away everything, everything turns to gold.

Now , again, am not the one to take a holistic approach - but for all things intangible, I confess that there is a lesson to be learnt here.